This is never going to end

Today is one of those days I had the best of intentions about. And then none of those intentions have progressed into reality the way they would have with a better person.

Today I'm not a better person.

Honestly, I've been struggling a lot with this little moving thing. I like the place we're going. I'm tired of the place we are (no offense, fellow p-dalians- it isn't you, it's me). It's time for a change. It's just that the main price of that change seems to be falling down around my own shoulders. I have so much to do. So much to give up. So much to get rid of. And very, very little help.

Ever tried talking four unmotivated children into yard work? What happens is, I end up doing it, while they stand there saying they'll do it in now guilty voices, changed from the surly/reluctant/complainers they were before mom turned into the mean lady. I admit to an occasional parental explosion, complete with verbal wonderings about my decision to have children. It isn't something I'm proud of, but it isn't something I'm completely ashamed of, either. In essence- cruel or not- it's truth, and sometimes children need to hear some of that.

This isn't free-ride-land, folks.

And after all of this, I don't get the job I'd planned to get done, done. I end up having to be the overseer.

I hate that.

It isn't only the kids. It's other people. People who feel the need to question how I do everything. People who talk about helping and then don't. People who are friends one moment and cold and distant the minute something comes up. Something small, like knowing I'll be missed, would be.. nice.

Which sounds like the biggest cry-baby complaint ever, but there it is. When I feel inconsequential- after feeling quite needed- I then feel like I've been used. No one likes feeling used.

When I feel this way, I usually withdraw from everyone. Instead of reaching out and being honest- as I am so often with my children- I purposely shut everyone out. Could be part of my problem. Another part of my problem is that I need to understand that everyone is busy. It isn't only me.

So I'm stuck with laundry and clearing out the basement from hell today. Again. I've opened the door I'm hiding behind to tell the 12 year old to set down the legos and get back outside to do the job you were told to do two hours ago. He asked "what job"?

And I mean.. really?